somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize