dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
