hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
