Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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