listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
