She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
