So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
