Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
