dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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