I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
