Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
