I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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