i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
