How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize