Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize