I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
