its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
