rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
