I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
