Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
