did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
