Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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