I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
