Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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