Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize