please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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