Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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