When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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