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Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
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