Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
