dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
They should really pass out barf bags in church
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
