I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
