6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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