just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
