don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
