she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize