I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
