My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
