the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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