I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
