dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
