One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
