So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
