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so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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