I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Just puked most of my soul out..
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
