I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
