I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
