I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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