You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize
