Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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