I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
