She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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