I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
