the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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