the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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