Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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