Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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