i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
