Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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