I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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