I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
